After my mother passed away in 2004, I was so down that I just felt numb. I remember thinking at that time that I no longer cared what happened to me. My exact thoughts were “I could die tomorrow and I wouldn’t care.” I was numb to everything. It felt as if I were in a black hole and everything just was constantly swirling. My mind was swirling, my body even felt like it was moving in circles when I would lay down.
I had issues with feeling depressed before my mother passed away. I had even been temporarily put on medication. The reasons for my issues were always that I just didn’t feel happy.
About a month after I was put on anti-depressants, I went home to my mom and she asked why I was depressed. At the time, I probably told her that I didn’t know. I knew why I was. It’s the reason that I feel a lot of people are. Failure. I preface this next information with I knew my mother was very sick and I knew that my mother was going to pass away at some point sooner than later. After I told my mother about the antidepressants, my mother looked me in the eye and said “Sharon, I have a terminal illness. I’m going to die. I’m on anti-depressants. ” This was her way of pretty much telling me that I should not feel bad about my life. I’m sure she said more, but this was the main part that I remembered.
My point in writing this down is pretty much to remind myself that there will be better days. I have a lifetime ahead of me (hopefully). I have time to change the things that I’m not happy with and I just have to stay patient and keep powering through.
I’m not on medication. I still have down days and times where I just feel worthless and as if nothing will ever go my way. When I’m feeling like this, I always think of my mom and her words to me. So I take a break, gather my thoughts, take a deep breath and prepare for tomorrow.
This week, as I have been watching and reading bloggers and vloggers that I am subscribed to, I have been pulled into a dispute among some body positive creators. Now, I love this movement because I am all for it! I think that as long as you are happy and healthy, you should be able to look any way you choose. It has always bothered me that the health community try to put everyone in a bubble according to height and size. Not every 5’3 person is going to be 125 lbs or whatever weight that stupid chart tells them they should be. There are many facets to body shapes which are not conducive to that chart, but I digress.
Back to the subject at hand. There are so many parts of this cause that you can choose to be in. Everyone can pick a corner, a different corner, and still be pushing for the same end goal. It reminds me of the message in the movie School Daze which had the light skinned black people vs. the dark skinned black people. You are all black! In this regard, the 250 lb plus size person vs. the 400 lb plus size person, you are both plus sized! So, part of the argument was that someone felt that you couldn’t be body positive if you have decided to join weight watchers or Nutrisystem. First of all, no one knows the health situation of each individual. Maybe the person is joining to drop the pounds for health reasons, or maybe she just want to be the best person that she feels that she can be. The truth is, you don’t even have to be plus size to be a part of the body positive community. Body positivity means you an accept yourself and others no matter what their size is, correct? By saying that this person can’t have involvement with weight loss program and be body positive is like saying plus size person who enjoys exercising can’t be body positive. It’s a stereotype.
My point is…worry about the part of this cause that bothers you the most and let the other person worry about the part that bothers them the most. If you are anti diets, fine. Don’t focus on that part, but don’t try to tear down someone who is ok with.
Well, it has been some time since I wrote on my blog. Half the year is gone and I have been thinking about how I have done with my goals for the new year. There has been some good and some not so good.
The good has been that I successfully paid off one credit card and have managed to keep it paid off. Now I’m working on the next one. I successfully eliminated meat from my diet for the entire month of January. It was an interesting and eye opening experience. Once I put my mind to it, I did not have any issues at all with the no meat thing. I altered a lot of meals to be meatless just by adding mushrooms. I may decide to do another month in the future.
I was incredibly focused on my goals during the month of January, but one goal fell well short! Physical fitness, weight loss, etc. Honestly, I did nothing. I concentrated on the eating and finances, but did not incorporate any changes to my exercise habits which is one thing that I really wanted to do. I really do need to get it in gear for health reasons. I am going to continue to work on this.
Well, that’s it. I hope to have even better news to share in the future.
As a single girl, I often go to dinner and movies alone. Tonight was the first time I had done it in a while and I noticed a lot of eyes on me. Now, whenever I am being stared at, I instantly think something is wrong with the way I’m looking. So I reach up to smooth down my hair or look for a mirror, but I realize that nothing is off in the way that I look. It’s just that I am alone.
The reason that I was being stared at was because I was dining alone. Are people thinking that I have no friends? Why would I be spending a Friday or Saturday night eating alone? The truth? I enjoy it. I enjoy feeling like I do not need to wait on someone to go have a meal out, or go to a movie, or do anything that people would think is typical to do in groups. Ultimately, I enjoy my alone time probably more than I should. I think everyone should try it. Just spend a little time to yourself enjoying a meal, a movie, or just a little people watch in the park. I spend a lot of time just clearing my head and making plans. Give it a try. Let me know how it went.