Feelings

When I was around 7 years old, this curly haired dude with a limp came into my life. In the summer, we had our morning trips to his cousins tavern, which was closed during the day, so he could either work or shoot the shit. Not sure which, but I was given quarters to play in the little arcade that was in there until it was time for us to go so I didn’t care. My mom, him and I took drives in a big old, green Lincoln to do weekly shops and stuff. He was into his cars. In fact..I got yelled at all the time when I would drive up home and my car would be the dirtiest thing ever. He was the closest thing to a father that I had since my biological father was never there. Even though we had our ups and downs, he still remained in my life after my mom and his relationship ended. (I question whether it REALLY ended most of the time. lol)  He still kept up with me and called me on my birthday each year just to stay in touch.  In a way, I took that for granted.  I never thought he truly cared until recently when I was one of the first calls made to make me aware of being in the hospital due to COVID-19.  Anyway…thank you for being in my life John L. Peoples. I will never get the chance to tell you that.  Rest in Peace.

Just Wow

What a crazy time we are in right now. This is my place to get my thoughts out but right now, I just can’t even think straight.

This all just seems like a really bad horror film. I feel like every time I touch something, that error message pops into my head and I have to go scrub my hands.

I hope that you all are doing as ok as you can.

Til next time…..

What a summer

Whew!  What a summer I’ve had.  It was full of stress and eventually peace of mind.  One of the big things that I did was finally sell my mother’s house.

I realize that I have been holding on to my mother’s house because it was one of the last remaining things that I could physically see and touch.  I struggled with the decision because of that but in the end…I couldn’t afford to keep it.  Not only that, but when I finally went back this summer, it just did not feel like hers anymore.  The place needed a lot of work and when I walked in, I just couldn’t feel her presence there anymore. I know that is a weird thing to say, but it’s true. I knew almost instantly that I was ready to let go.  So, it is done and I am at peace with the decision.

Also, I had not been getting my hair relaxed for the last two years.  In my heart, I knew I didn’t really love that decision but I decided to give it a try.  Well, my hair had been doing somewhat ok, but this summer it went crazy.  It started falling out non-stop.  Nothing I did was saving it or making it better.  It was just hard to manage and take care of.  Somedays, there were tears shed at the thought of having to even do it. I finally made the decision with the help of my hairdresser to put my relaxer back in and I felt so good after it was done!  I felt like myself again.

So between selling my house and getting my hair situation, all is so much better than when July first hit.  I’m ready for the holiday season!

Til next time….

Going Solo

***Lost Post*****

As a single girl, I often go to dinner and movies alone.  Tonight was the first time I had done it in a while and I noticed a lot of eyes on me.  Now, whenever I am being stared at, I instantly think something is wrong with the way I’m looking.  So I reach up to smooth down my hair or look for a mirror, but I realize that nothing is off in the way that I look. It’s just that I am alone.

The reason that I was being stared at was because I was dining alone.  Are people thinking that I have no friends?  Why would I be spending a Friday or Saturday night eating alone?  The truth?  I enjoy it.  I enjoy feeling like I do not need to wait on someone to go have a meal out, or go to a movie, or do anything that people would think is typical to do in groups.  Ultimately, I enjoy my alone time probably more than I should.  I think everyone should try it.  Just spend a little time to yourself enjoying a meal, a movie, or just a little people watch in the park.  I spend a lot of time just clearing my head and making plans.  Give it a try.  Let me know how it went.

Til next time……

 

 

Happy New Year! 2018

^The picture above was at my personal trainer’s studio many years ago.

It’s a new year!  I am extremely happy to see the back end of 2017.  It wasn’t a horrible year, but it wasn’t a great one either.  I honestly can’t say that I achieve a single goal that I wanted in 2017.  As a matter of fact, I was very lax in everything last year.  I did nothing.  Well, I’m determined to make this year different.  I honestly want to take charge of my health and finances this year.  I’ve decided to tackle it month by month instead of making a goal for the year.  Well, I guess taking charge of my health and finances would be my goal for 2018, but I’m going to break it down in monthly goals.

My health is something that I need to get in control of.  Here is the honest truth..I’m diabetic and I have high blood pressure.  It’s not a good thing.  At all.  About 10 years ago, this started to rear its ugly head and I did my best to get out in front of it by hiring a personal trainer to help me with my fitness.  I was very involved in my nutrition by reading and researching everything I could online.  I counted calories, I stopped eating processed food.  I stopped drinking soda. I had pizza every once in a while (maybe once every other month).  I was ON IT!  And I was successful.  I dropped 50 lbs.  I lost many many inches and I felt good.  But, it was hard!  Anyone who tells you healthy living is easy is lying to you.  It was hard.  It was so hard only drinking water and taking more than 10 minutes looking over a menu when going out with friends to see what I could eat.  It came easier with time, but..still…it was hard.  At some point, I hit a plateau and that is honestly the most frustrating part of losing weight.  Plus I started to have financial problems because the recession was starting to hit….so I ended up losing momentum.

Well, here we are many years later and I’ve completely gotten off the wagon. I stopped working out.  I stopped paying attention to what I’m eating and here I am..taking pills for blood pressure and diabetes.  I don’t like it at all, so it has to change.  My goal for the month of January is to exercise five days a week.  I have a treadmill in my bedroom right next to the bed.  There is no excuse to not hop on it almost every single day for an evening walk.  So…there it is.  In writing.  Five days a week in the month of January.  I will add on to this goal in February.  Small steps is all I need.

Next is finances.  My finances spiraled out of control last year.  I did start to change things in the fall of last year, so I just want to continue that path.  I hate being in debt.  I hate credit cards.  I would love to pay cash for everything and have extra cash on hand for emergencies. I hope to never have to pick up a credit card again!  Again, when I bought my house over 10 years ago, I was completely debt free.  I had paid off every single credit card I had.  It was great.  I felt so accomplished.  I had set a goal and followed through.  I was proud of myself for doing it.  Today, I have about five credit cards, all with balances.  I’m ready to get rid of them all and that’s going to be my goal for 2018.  The month of January, I’m tackling the first card.  Lowe’s.  My goal is to pay this card completely off in January.  It’s about $160, but that’s money that I can free up to tackle the next card.  I also plan on putting about $200 in savings during January.  I plan on doing this by not dining out AT ALL during the month of January.  I will only eat what I have in the house.  I will be doing a strict monthly budget so that I can work to get both of these goals done and maybe even get a running jump on the February goal.

Well…here we go.  It’s all in writing. These are my goals for January.  2018 is a year for advancement.  Same old me…just a better version.

What will you be doing in 2018?

Talk to you all soon……..

 

This Christmas

This Christmas is a first for me. I decided, along with my best friend, that we would not be putting up decorations or exchanging gifts. The only thing we are doing is hosting dinner at the house. I admit that it feels odd. There are many reasons that this decision was made on my part. To be honest, we didn’t celebrate any holidays in my house this year. I did cook for Thanksgiving, but I spent that holiday alone. I spent the day eating and hanging out in my pajamas.  It was good, but Christmas is different.

I love Christmas! It is my favorite time of the year. I think that the majority of people are really happy around this time. At least that has been my experience. There is always a little extra joy in the air. The Christmas carols, movies and just overall cheer puts almost everyone in a good mood.

I also admit that this time of the year can be very overwhelming for people who just feel that there is to much to do. The shopping, food preparing, decorating, and schedule juggling can be daunting. I get it. I’m fortunate..or unfortunate to some…to not have much immediate family (husband, children, parents). Because of this, I don’t have much juggling but I do have all of the other things to contend with.  My overall thoughts are Christmas is what you make it.

Christmas is, after all, the celebration of the birth of Christ. All of the other stuff is just extra. No one needs to go out and buy a ton of gifts or have an extravagant dinner. So whenever people say..the holiday has become so commercial, I think ‘It doesn’t have to be.’ Everyone needs to create their own thing and give their own spin to celebrating.  They should make it what they want or feel that is should be.

This year, I’ve decided to just do dinner. No need to buy me any gifts. I’m giving love on Christmas day…as the song says. That being said, I kind of missed the hustle and bustle. I probably will be putting a little gift giving back into the plans next year and I definitely will be decorating.  I miss my tree. I can’t wait for it to appear next year. You can check out my tree in previous years blog posts though if you want.  I normally put up two trees a year..my office tree and my tree at home.  It used to be three when my mom was alive.  This year, I only put up the office tree but I miss my home tree filled with my ornaments that have been accumulated over the years. So, yes it has been an unconventional Christmas for me but I think I needed the little reset.

Til next time……

 

Ms. Independent?

I’m a forever single girl.  It’s my lot in life.  Because of this, I’m pretty independent.  I have to be. I don’t have anyone to fall back on if stuff happens.  The only person that I had to fall back on was my mom and she’s been gone for many years.  So now…it’s just me, and that’s ok.

Sometimes I wonder if I’m a strange one because I spend the majority of my time alone and I like it. I’m used to it.  I grew up being used to it.  See, not only am I a single girl…I’m an only child.  I have always had to entertain myself when there was no one around.  I grew up spending a lot of time with friends and cousins, but mostly I was by myself.

When I was a teenager, I once saw this lady who I believe may have been in her 40’s walking across a street mumbling to herself about no needing anyone.  I always think this is a strange thing to remember because it was so random.  I sometimes wonder if that was younger me seeing a vision of older me? It’s odd to remember it so vividly, when I may not even remember what I had for dinner yesterday.

Sometimes I think that it would have been nice to have someone to lean on. Sometimes I just don’t want to deal with things and it would be good to have someone say “I got you.” Then I come back to reality and just try my best to pull out my inner girl boss and handle stuff.

Anyways…these are just my early morning jumbled thoughts.

Til next time….