After my mother passed away in 2004, I was so down that I just felt numb. I remember thinking at that time that I no longer cared what happened to me. My exact thoughts were “I could die tomorrow and I wouldn’t care.” I was numb to everything. It felt as if I were in a black hole and everything just was constantly swirling. My mind was swirling, my body even felt like it was moving in circles when I would lay down.
I had issues with feeling depressed before my mother passed away. I had even been temporarily put on medication. The reasons for my issues were always that I just didn’t feel happy.
About a month after I was put on anti-depressants, I went home to my mom and she asked why I was depressed. At the time, I probably told her that I didn’t know. I knew why I was. It’s the reason that I feel a lot of people are. Failure. I preface this next information with I knew my mother was very sick and I knew that my mother was going to pass away at some point sooner than later. After I told my mother about the antidepressants, my mother looked me in the eye and said “Sharon, I have a terminal illness. I’m going to die. I’m on anti-depressants. ” This was her way of pretty much telling me that I should not feel bad about my life. I’m sure she said more, but this was the main part that I remembered.
My point in writing this down is pretty much to remind myself that there will be better days. I have a lifetime ahead of me (hopefully). I have time to change the things that I’m not happy with and I just have to stay patient and keep powering through.
I’m not on medication. I still have down days and times where I just feel worthless and as if nothing will ever go my way. When I’m feeling like this, I always think of my mom and her words to me. So I take a break, gather my thoughts, take a deep breath and prepare for tomorrow.
Til next time…….
*****LOST, UNFINISHED POST*****
This week, as I have been watching and reading bloggers and vloggers that I am subscribed to, I have been pulled into a dispute among some body positive creators. Now, I love this movement because I am all for it! I think that as long as you are happy and healthy, you should be able to look any way you choose. It has always bothered me that the health community try to put everyone in a bubble according to height and size. Not every 5’3 person is going to be 125 lbs or whatever weight that stupid chart tells them they should be. There are many facets to body shapes which are not conducive to that chart, but I digress.
Back to the subject at hand. There are so many parts of this cause that you can choose to be in. Everyone can pick a corner, a different corner, and still be pushing for the same end goal. It reminds me of the message in the movie School Daze which had the light skinned black people vs. the dark skinned black people. You are all black! In this regard, the 250 lb plus size person vs. the 400 lb plus size person, you are both plus sized! So, part of the argument was that someone felt that you couldn’t be body positive if you have decided to join weight watchers or Nutrisystem. First of all, no one knows the health situation of each individual. Maybe the person is joining to drop the pounds for health reasons, or maybe she just want to be the best person that she feels that she can be. The truth is, you don’t even have to be plus size to be a part of the body positive community. Body positivity means you an accept yourself and others no matter what their size is, correct? By saying that this person can’t have involvement with weight loss program and be body positive is like saying plus size person who enjoys exercising can’t be body positive. It’s a stereotype.
My point is…worry about the part of this cause that bothers you the most and let the other person worry about the part that bothers them the most. If you are anti diets, fine. Don’t focus on that part, but don’t try to tear down someone who is ok with.
Til next time…..
Well, it has been some time since I wrote on my blog. Half the year is gone and I have been thinking about how I have done with my goals for the new year. There has been some good and some not so good.
The good has been that I successfully paid off one credit card and have managed to keep it paid off. Now I’m working on the next one. I successfully eliminated meat from my diet for the entire month of January. It was an interesting and eye opening experience. Once I put my mind to it, I did not have any issues at all with the no meat thing. I altered a lot of meals to be meatless just by adding mushrooms. I may decide to do another month in the future.
I was incredibly focused on my goals during the month of January, but one goal fell well short! Physical fitness, weight loss, etc. Honestly, I did nothing. I concentrated on the eating and finances, but did not incorporate any changes to my exercise habits which is one thing that I really wanted to do. I really do need to get it in gear for health reasons. I am going to continue to work on this.
Well, that’s it. I hope to have even better news to share in the future.
Til next time…..
As a single girl, I often go to dinner and movies alone. Tonight was the first time I had done it in a while and I noticed a lot of eyes on me. Now, whenever I am being stared at, I instantly think something is wrong with the way I’m looking. So I reach up to smooth down my hair or look for a mirror, but I realize that nothing is off in the way that I look. It’s just that I am alone.
The reason that I was being stared at was because I was dining alone. Are people thinking that I have no friends? Why would I be spending a Friday or Saturday night eating alone? The truth? I enjoy it. I enjoy feeling like I do not need to wait on someone to go have a meal out, or go to a movie, or do anything that people would think is typical to do in groups. Ultimately, I enjoy my alone time probably more than I should. I think everyone should try it. Just spend a little time to yourself enjoying a meal, a movie, or just a little people watch in the park. I spend a lot of time just clearing my head and making plans. Give it a try. Let me know how it went.
Til next time……
I’m a forever single girl. It’s my lot in life. Because of this, I’m pretty independent. I have to be. I don’t have anyone to fall back on if stuff happens. The only person that I had to fall back on was my mom and she’s been gone for many years. So now…it’s just me, and that’s ok.
Sometimes I wonder if I’m a strange one because I spend the majority of my time alone and I like it. I’m used to it. I grew up being used to it. See, not only am I a single girl…I’m an only child. I have always had to entertain myself when there was no one around. I grew up spending a lot of time with friends and cousins, but mostly I was by myself.
When I was a teenager, I once saw this lady who I believe may have been in her 40’s walking across a street mumbling to herself about no needing anyone. I always think this is a strange thing to remember because it was so random. I sometimes wonder if that was younger me seeing a vision of older me? It’s odd to remember it so vividly, when I may not even remember what I had for dinner yesterday.
Sometimes I think that it would have been nice to have someone to lean on. Sometimes I just don’t want to deal with things and it would be good to have someone say “I got you.” Then I come back to reality and just try my best to pull out my inner girl boss and handle stuff.
Anyways…these are just my early morning jumbled thoughts.
Til next time….
It’s my late grandmother’s birthday. I was reminded of this by my aunts on Facebook, and I’m glad I was. I called my grandmother, Mun. I’m pretty sure it is because my mother and her siblings called her Ma, but I mistook it for Mun. Now I just consider it my special name for her. My grandmother passed away when I was seven years old. I had such love for her.
I still remember things that we did. I remember her making me cornbread and buttermilk, and even pig ears in vinegar. This is stuff I would NEVER eat now. My mom and aunts said that I was a picky eater and would never eat a lot of things, so my mun would just make me biscuits and I would always eat that.
I was with my grandmother a lot when I was a baby. I loved spending the night at her house. Her and my mom were the most influential people in my life. I just remember how strong she was as a single woman (widowed) with eleven children. You didn’t mess with her either. I never heard her complain about a thing. She was an avid church goer and dragged all of her kids and grand kids along with her. It was a huge family and she managed to keep us all together. There are so many stories that I could probably share, but ultimately I just want to say Happy Birthday, Mun. I love you. I think of you a lot. I hope that you and my mom are having the best time on your day.
Til next time….
Today is my birthday. As with any birthday, I have a ton of thoughts going through my head. Am I where I want to be in this life? What are my goals for this birthday year? Is age nothing but a number?
Ironically, I don’t think I have ever been afraid of getting older. I don’t even think I really thought about it. I always thought that as long as I was healthy and had a great quality of life…I’d be happy. I can honestly say that is the case. I don’t feel 44. I don’t even think I act 44. I’m still very young at heart and refuse to let society tell me what I should or shouldn’t do or be at any age. My motto is and will always be, do what makes you happy. I still sing at the top of my lungs in my car. I still dance around my bedroom like I’m 16. Life is good!
So if I had anything so say about this birthday. It is that 44 looks and feels great! I’m living my best life right now. I know that regrets are somewhat unavoidable, but I try to keep them to a minimum by just doing what I enjoy.
Birthday outfit: Lane Bryant’s gingham collection – Off the shoulder shirdress – Sold out; Nordstrom Rack Ash Mumbaia sandals – Sold out
Talk to you all soon!